i have been so fricking irritated n pissed.. i been wanting to write this ofr days.. but i jsut couldnt.. i didnt know to write or not. but i cant take it.

The thing is.. im fucking pissed with my family man. My mother is always asking me $$$$$$$$. Her sister last time knew i was working.. n would ask me.. U working ah?? then later ask to borrow money! i lent $30 last year sept.. and only got the measly $30 this yr in august. almost 1 yr later man. how pathetic.. n that time before returning the $30, still ask my mum. then me if can borrow $50/... n pay on friday.. im like i no $$$.... serious la. im not working anymore.. think what i cash cow ah? then after return $30, again asked if got $ can borrow? i plainly said no $.

NOW i learnt lesson. ANYONE ASK U $$$$, just say no $$$. even u got $ also say no $.

my sis took $ from me since long time back.. few months already. still never pay me. im pissed. i never cheat anyone their $. i now how much ppl owe me. n i just take that $$ back. i never take interest or what la. capital is capital. no interest.

then im pissed with my mum.. feel so irritated with her. i mean now shes low on cahs.. no $$.. when got $ spend this n that buy unnecassary things. now no $$, hunting for $$ only. oissed off la. pay your bills on time. manage n budget your finances. then u wont be in such situation. i been saying this to her from last time cambridge road house until now. but i give up. she always tell me its her $.. i dont need to teach her how to spend her $.. BLA BLA BLA. u think i not irritated meh? i mean im doing this so its easier for her la. im helping her. but she dont appreciate it, now i dont give 2 dman 2 fucks. your $ right? u run your $ the way u want.

yeah i now i stay in your house i use your electricity, water, n eat your food. but what the fucks u want me to do? DID I ASK U DIVORCE MY FATHER? u divorce.. its your problem. u must think of future problems when u divorce. eg my daughter with my husband... if anything happen to him, where will she go> she will have to come to me?

and anyway... its not like i have a choice. i dont have my own fucking roof... how to buy house now when the prices are sky rocket??????? even a god dman it 3 room is $200k+++. must only wait for $$$ to drop drop drop.. then can buy.

i never ask my dad to get cancer. i never ask them to divorce. if no divorce.. then today what still we will be together in 5 room flat worth half million dollars. no worries. electricity water bills all cut half half.

now u all created the problem.. u all putting the blame on me. saying that ITS MY FAULT>. goodness man. my wish if i want to stay with dad right? if you all never divorce. I DONT NEED TO CHOSE. MY BRO TODAY WONT BE A FUCKING GANGSTER WANNABE.. he can be controlled. But now see? he is out of line. smoke drink. late night.

my sister> i dont know. all she know is life with the dog. never go sch one ponteng always... last time my o levels.. i also ponteng one.. cos FOR me, im the type of person i stay at home n study better than i go sch do revision. cos i need to buy time. it worked for me. i KNOW how to study BEst for myself...i been doing it since poly all also. uni also.. haha.

then like this la. im just so pissed off man. last time when we had $. my dad work 2 jobs.. wah we had $. anything u want, jsut take take take. bloodie hell. all my family $ wasted on stupid bastards. buy LONGINES WATCH FOR THE PRIESTS!! 2 some more! BUY SEIKO WATCH.. BUY SONY vcr player for the so called firend who is a general worker in singapore.. wtf la. but gold chain for the proest children.. COME ON LA>1 THESE PRIESTS FUCKERS> WHAT THE FUCKS DID THEY GIVE U BACK!!!!!!!!???????????

they only take n take n take our $. $20 k loan from 1997. yet to pay. now u need $, they want to give u or not? fuckers. rip their toto birds out man. shove it with a satay stick... no fork better.. grill it n burn it n feed it to the stray dogs to eat.. the dog also vomit n say.. "ew.. this type of bird so dirty who want."

see? im that pissed. 10 yrs of history in me needs to burn out from inside of me.

u think what/ i big i gonna support my mum, her mother and what not? FUCK U. or FUCK THE WORLD man. MY $ is MY $. IM SORRY BUT THATS THE WAY IT IS> U ALL LIKE SON RIGHT... last time divorce time my mother alsways say right?? "OH MY SON IS MY SON. I STILL GOT MY SON TOP SUPPORT ME." haha. NOW SEE LA> WHAT SON SUPPORT YOU. im ready to see my brother support my mother throughout her old age.

perhaps if my parents given me a good path, stable family, and all that.. i will support their whole life. but bcos of what u all did to me. make my life so much harder than it already is... i have to wait n see how the situation is n see whether i want to support or not. wait for 10 yrs then ask me this question in 2017.

and oh yea... im the daughter right.. if your son is always so impt to u n your family.. ask your son to support la. (no offence to my bro, but my bro n i can kam cheng one...)... im jsut trying to Prove my point.

i am damn stressed. TOTALLY STRESSED OUT. FRICKING MY OWN MIND OUT. im so scared... what are they gonna write in the papers? will they say my parents divorced. will they say my dad got cancer./.. will they say im living with dad...

fucks man... oh shits........... i pray so dman hard. pls not. i dont want the whole freaking world to know about this. u say divorced n dad sick ok la.. but if go so detailed... oh god pls pls pls..... dont say im staying with my dad or like who is staying where or what la...... im so so so SCARED! in my mind, im freaking out. i dont want the fking punj community to know more that they need to know. i dont want........ I DONT WANT! im so scared man...........

i hope its jsut simple thing in the interiew. somemore there's 2. one is chinese zaobao and another is the straits times. omg..... im dman dman dman scared,.....................

i dont wanna stess myself la... i dont wanna stress myself... just wait for newspaper to get printed out then i can see what news it is..... PLS PLS PLS!

n goodness.. somemore, i got pictures in national newspapers.. i love taking pics n all.. hahs.. but... i think i looked terrible in the pics!!! ???????????

SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont want whole of singapore to know my history.

i dont know why but i can feel something diff is gonna happen.. i dont know what im feeling.. my i feel my heart is damn fluttery.. and i dont know why!??? Why?? i dont like anyone now at the present.. well, i cant think of anyone.. yeah so.. but why am i feeling kinda fluttery on the inside??

anyway.. didnt add.. other day supposed to meet pebs at bugis for lunch then go lib cos she needed to get something. ok.. so i decided to go to this tbp to deposit cash first. then after me, no one in queue.. i didnt notice anyone around.. even when after i put money in all, there was no one there. ok. 5 mins later.. wanted to leave time, i glance up, look into the machine.. can see whether ppl behind right.. ok standing near ginseng shop got one man.. im like.. must be he wanna deposit $$ or what la.. didnt think much. so i left, then just walk few steps is escalator. pass by man.. i know someone was there. nvm. next thing i know, i reach down the escalator, someone came up to me.. and like started talking to me..

i htought must be someone wanna sell something.. salesman or what. bloodie hell, it was that man... n he intro himself.. then also he asked me.. oh so u r walking towards taking the train? im like yea... then later said he dont know, he is making a fool himself or something.. then he laugh.. that kind.. and he pass me a paper! with his name n tel?? n he ask me.. perhaps we can meet for lunch or something.. then im like taken aback!

all the while i was jsut walking forward... n then i told him... 'im sorry...'... and then hes like/../ "Oh..... its allright then..." . THANK GOODNESS!! he did not pursue me further or what.. but wtf is wrong man.. first time sucg things happening to me.. somemore not those nigerian bastards ppl u know... the fella looked eurasian serani type.. n hes middle age! 40! I think!! YUCKS! crazy ah!??????? MAX is 30!! Aargh.. i hate thinking baout this.. but haha.. i feel its so funny man... craziness... haiz...

or maybe hes thinking this girl fat or what can 'makan' her?? watever it is.. thank godness i walked off. pebs said.. why u didnt tkae no.. my ans?? Are u crazzyyy???

hahas!!

Manchuria

I jsut love this pic of myself.. but i haven actually worn the dress out yet... can u imagine.. i even got matching shoes.. which i wore already few times.. but.. haiz.. the dress where to wear?? Cant wait to wear my LBD!! not LITTLE, BUT, LARGE BLACK DRESS!!!!!! i think i look good in it ya! what do u thinK? Yummylicious!!~~~~~~~~~~

This black skirt n top makes me look so good in the pic.. but in real life.. oh goodness. u dont wanna see i. hahs.

As you can see, been some time since i last wrote anything. life has changed. uni has begun... friends have changed.. meaning made new ones... strengthened some old ones.. and met some old ones too.. hahas.. all in all.. i dont know what to say.

been overwhelmed with sch work n all.. also stress abit about a situation with someone i know.. haiz, dont know how to write here la... need to consult someone with more experience than me... or the person themself.. someone who can tell me what to do about this person.. cos im totally cluless. i wanna believe.. i do believe.. but i still feel so stressed thinking about all this man.

anyway... did go visit FT... im waiitng for my future to faster come.. no la.. actually i dont want it to pass so fast that before i know it, i will be heading to the coffin. i still want to enjoy each and everyday..

something i cant believe.. i know i will never get married.. actually, more like o fear i will never get married... but somehow, now i hear, i wont marry 1, but 2X........ WEIRD?? someone like me who will never marry/ get a chance to marry?? will marry not 1 but 2 times...??? hahahahah. Funny. well wait for future n see i guess!

honestly, i dont mind more than 7 yrs .. ok la.. nvm.. but not more than like 10 yrs la pls.. imagine. im 1 yr old kid, he was 11 yrs old? im 10, he's 20!!! SO BIG AGE GAP!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAIYO!! n somemore, not a local, not my race.. So HELL YEAH BABY! TO HELL WITH PUNJ/INDIAN GUYS.... i jsut totally now know it that i was never meant to be, and never should and should not in the future waste my time, effort n energy creating an interest in that target market! Woos~~~~~ Thats my only consolation i guess.

so what else?? yeah.. she actually said that im very honest type of person.. can not lend ppl money.. cant be guarantor.. damn TRUE LA!! cos i lend ppl $, cannot get back one.. very diff for me... haiz.. n then... true also.. my character.. im the honest type. dont know how to cheat ppl type..

then... say i can see things in my dreams.. true! cos i did see some stuff in my dreams.. seem so real one.. n then she predict 1 incident about me i must be careful.. dont know when.. n few yrs back, 2/3 yrs ago, i DID dream somehting along those lines about this incident.. waiting to happen...

scary.

Anyway... the lesbianism part.. hahas.. said i will get lesbianisn kinda proposal! goodness man. i already have had like what?? 3 diff times... EWW!! Yucks.. im so not lesbian or butch or what. im a lady n i love a man. FULLSTOP.

then... i will get married early.. around 23/24??? but will give me heartache after 1 or 2 yrs.. then best to wait for 2nr round.. where i will marry late either 28 to 32 yrs...

haiz.... and ya.. she say i got this healing gift.. like ppl come to me.. n i tgive them support lsitening ear all that.. basically im a healer.. i think damn true also la.. cos i always Wondered!! ?? everyone.. SOMETIMES I MEET PPL 1 TIME ONLY, THEY CAN SHARE THEIR LIFE STORY OR PROBS WITH ME?? EVERYONE I KNOW LIKE COMES TO ME, N SOMTIMES I FEEL, "DUMP" THEIR probs to me... n i cant tkae the pressure at times.. too much to handle. everyone dumps their probs to me.. i feel so burdened man.. i also must settle my own probs.. haiz.. but i dont know why ppl feel so comfortable telling me their stuff.. n i will jsut lsiten n advise.. n crazy man... i dont even have any experience in certain fileds.. but i can give so convincing adivse, like as if im expert in that field...???

im scared... am i giving right advise? haiz...

sch work is gettin tougher... especially com 2o3... stress.. what research paper n all... im so so soo scared. im afried i wont understand all this press politics and all this things......... haiz.. but pls la.. pray i do well man... have to! if not why waste $$$ for uni studies? not cheap you know.

then....

grad pics also didnt upload yet. whole hols did alot of crap. swim, go eat so many places. im stress again. see... now i rem, i put on 7kg+++ IM DAMN STRES. cos i took so long so diff to lose this weight. why did i put it on again... it doesnt seem to go down.. even if sometimes i odnt each much only 1 meal a day... or i increase physical activity.. haiz.. depressed man. i wanna lose wiehgt n lose it fast.

why keep hiding flabs behind veils n veils of cloths?? i wanna get rid of it once n for all. i dont expect to be size2 or 8 or 10. i know my obnes big also. true. doc qualified it. anyway... size 14 n im happy! haiz... 50kg to go..... how to lsoe it? left 4 mths this yr... max i can lose is 10kg.. then.. means.. next yr must lose 40kg!!!!! ????by end of 23 bday, im sure i will lsoe it.. so i msut remain faithful to myself. i msut i msut i must. n i htink i look preetier also when thin ya?? haiz.. i look old ohotos, i cant imagine im that ugly? that fat? that doofus looking? i love my newer self.. whats there not to love about me? but msut lose wiehgt. haiz...........................

ft also got tell me about work.. will be forced to quit 1st job.. then apparently in my life got SCANDAL!!??? n will meet SO at work.. so really impt where i work ah! what about some embassy liek my friend recommended!! hahas!! which is good>? british? us?no us not good for me. i must take softer countris.. i htink europe countries better la! ;)

but come on la.. i dont dare believe FT also.. i mena so generalised right! that SO will be foreigner, good looking.. which SO is not good looking in their own eyes? haiz. n what if SO is that kind of lau-ya country one? not like higher class type one? im dreaming.. good looks, good $.. cos she said good job, who is someone impt with rank/position type...

haiz. stress la.................. why look into future if cant even settle my present.